when does a conversation end?

at what point does a conversation breakdown? does it happen when the first insult is voiced? does it happen when one person twists what the other person says to meet a personal agenda? does it happen when one side simply refuses to even hear what the other has to say? does it happen when one person calls into question the honor of the other? at what point can we say, "this conversation is over” because we know it is going no place? which leads us to the idea that if you leave the conversation and the other person is still talking [or insulting] does that mean the conversation is still happening? if one person leaves a conversation, does that make the other person “the winner?” does there have to be a winner in a conversation? at what point does a conversation become a monolog?

i ask this, because this week i had two such experiences. both very much the same, and yet both very different. now, i will not give names because, as most know, "who" is never as important as "what" - so “who” did it, matters far less then “what” was done - so let me share the "whats” of this week.

the "what" one: a message board.
i was asked to join a message board and share my thoughts on the emerging church. to be honest, i was not overly excited about the idea but the offer was made in good faith - so i did. it was great, at first, but it soon turned into a very nasty mess - and i headed for the high country. you see, i was asked a question and i gave the answer i believed was “neither right of wrong” but was my opinion on the matter - but it seemed that was not good enough. [let me rephrase that; it was not that the answer was not “good enough” it was that the answer was not one they desired]. some, and not all, wanted me to paint myself into a corner and give a "yes or no" answer to a question i felt i had already answered. now, i tried to explain that i was unable to answer the question as they desired, and requested that my original answer stand. but, they insisted - and got rather insulting when i stuck to my answer. i was asked the same question about 30 times [no kidding] and each time i answered the same way, and they kept asking me to change my answer. finally, i left the board. not because i felt "trapped" but because if no one listens to you, i think the conversation is over.

conversations require that both sides listen; one side cannot do all the talking. for a conversation to take place, give and take must be part of the process. there does not have to be agreement on the answer, but there must be agreement on the ability to answer as one desires, with honesty and integrity.

the "what" two: an email.
i received an email a few weeks ago from a friend letting me know that there was a college professor attacking a church planter in his area. the only reason the professor was picking on the person [this was the only reason brought to my attention and the professor only mentioned it in five questions he had emailed me] was because the professor did not like the planter ordination, and he had concerns on how the planter “received his education.” which was interesting to me because the professor teaches at a small baptist college - baptists have historically ordain people who believe God is calling to ministry, and seldom, if ever, has an education requirement been attached to the ordination. this person [and it was not the planter, but a concerned member of the community who knew me and knew I would be a peaceful neutral party] asked if i would "play the middle guy" and see if i could address the issue of ordination between the professor and the planter. needless to say, my emails to the professor have fallen upon deaf ears - while in my conversations with the planter have gone in a very different direction.

the professor, for what ever reason he has, has taken to want a fight with me. i am uncomfortable with any conversation based on anger and hurtfilled speech between members of God’s kingdom. i have decided that i do not need to "fight" others in the kingdom to prove my points - i just need to say what i believe God is leading me to say and let others think as they desire. the idea of debating does not make my life tingle. i would much rather have a discussion, where two [or more] people gather and simply talk about their differences. not to change minds, but to understand points of view.

to many people desire to "debate" because it gives them some kind of "kinky power jollies." some, actually think themselves important enough that others must follow their lead. i hope and pray i never get there. i pray i never get to the point where i believe my words are the “final say on the matter.” but i think this comes because people are more willing to go to “pastor perfect” for a view, but are unable to read scripture and develop a view of their own. to many people are willing to quote the words of others, and not quote the words of jesus.

just my view:
over this past year i have found that many people desire to "take us down" as if we are some kind of collective conspiracy out to destroy the church. they desire “open discussions” but quickly turn them to debates and when we say “we do not want to play” they claim victory because “we gave up.” i have a hurting heart for those kinds of people. because in that, in that “we are the victors” they lose the redemptive power of christ; they miss the open expression of grace and the idea that we live in the spirit of God.

i believe we need to reach past those who desire to cause trouble and simply walk away; it is not that we have ended the conversation, the conversation ended when confrontation became a key part of a voice. i am very willing to walk away from any debates formed around politics, hate, control, hurt, personal agendas or anything that does not belong to God. i believe a conversation ends when we no longer seek redemption in our ideas; when grace is not the guiding factor; when ones thinks their ideas are better then another persons ideas – it happens when we put ourselves in the place of christ.