crash, burn and heal

i have been dealing with some very deep personal issues as of late. the kind of issues that change your life and make you take a deep look at some of the mistakes you have made along the way - and i have made some pretty big mistakes - but i am thankful God is there, and that i am able to learn from the lesson.

you see, i am a sinner - no, i am not saying this so people can say "look, even a pastor can sin" - because that seems trivial to the moment - no, i mean i am a sinner - i lie, i cheat, i steal. i am a self-centered egomaniac who seldom thinks of anyone but himself - i over inflate my importance and under inflate my responsibility. i have hurt people, i have lied to people - i am a sinner - pure and simple - i am the scum that forms on the scum in a stagnate pond. i have crashed, and i have burned, i have reached the bottom of the pit and i am climbing out - i have reached the lowest point of my life and i am thankful to God for that - because in this i have found a very important love relationship - and that is the love of God, through Jesus Christ.

you see, over the past few years i have been operating on "my skills"- "my quick thinking" and "my words" and i have ignored the words of God in my life - and all that simply added up to a pile of garbage in my life that has festered, and smelt the room up - a tower built on my words, my skills and my thinking is noting, a tower built on garbage - so it came crashing down - with me and others in the rubble, and for that i am sorry - i did not mean for anyone to get hurt in the fall - and for that i am deeply sorry - i cry when i think of the hurt.

you see, i have learned some very important lessons over this time - first, i need to trust 100% on God and get my sinning self out of the way. i need to trust 100% that God has a plan and i fit in to that plan - i need to stop making my own way, and start making a way for God. i need to be less me, and more Jesus - heck, i just need to be less me.

next, i need to get past hiding the hurts and the pains - life suck and sometimes we get bit. i feel like i have been attacked by a pack of pit bulls, but i also have to say that many of my wounds are self inflected. you see, i can not blame others for the pains i have in my life, that falls flat on me. it is because of my human nature, and i have the scars to prove it - i need to let God take the pains and move them to healings - as i have been doing. i need to open and be honest with myself and others about my feeling, no matter the fall out - i need to be ready to learn and move past where i am and allow others to tell me what they see wrong about me. i need to stand on Christ, and let Jesus add to my voice.

and with all that, i need to trust the counsel of those i trust and love. no matter what i think i want, i need to allow others to have a voice in my life - people i love, and who i know love me - they have the best in store for me, so i should trust their words. i need to learn to trust and let those around me see my faults and help me past them.

i have not been a very nice guy over the past few years - and i am sure i hurt many people - and for that i am so deeply sorry - I stand before God with an open heart, confessing all my wrongs and all my selfishness - and i know he forgives me - so to others i say i am truly sorry for being the jerk i was - i pray, and i know, that this life experience has forced me to take some deep looks into my heart - and what i have found is a man looking to reconnect in a deep way with Jesus Christ -